Moving Day

I hate moving. By that I mean the entire process. If my count is correct, I have moved 30 or so times in my life. Generally speaking, the same patterns persist. It takes a long time to actually get settled in a new place; and usually by the time I do, I change it all over again. I also have a habit of being overwhelmed by clutter. If there is one thing I hate more than moving, it is clutter. Many times in mere exhaustion clutter gets shoved in a box; randomly, haphazardly. From there, it is hidden somewhere to be forgotten about. “I won’t have to deal with that!” That is of course, until  my next move! 

Not seeing the clutter and mess, or simply forgetting it by pretending it isn't there doesn't actually make anything “all good” no matter how much I pretend it does. The clutter does not add value to my life. It is nothing that inspires either myself or others. If anything, it hinders all that I could do with these “hideaway” spaces if I simply dealt with the problem head on. Junk drawers beget junk cabinets which beget junk rooms; and before you know it, the garage is full and so is every closet. The problem grows. Of course I know it shouldn’t be that way; so I ensure no one opens the drawer or enters the doorway. That room is locked to save me the embarrassment and so no one sees the mess. Afterall, the house looks clean! Organized. Put together; not as much as I’d like (because I have six children); but it’s passable and the hidden mess that is my home remains hidden… until the next time I have to move. 

I am going to use this analogy because I know I am not alone! Many of us do this in one form or another; most especially with our thoughts, our  feelings, our wounds; even our frustrations. “Push that down,” “Hide that away,” “Everything is fine!” For the most part that seems to work… Until the mess becomes too overwhelming to hide, or of course, when it starts spilling out, or when it is time to move. 

To say that the past year has been difficult, would be a profound understatement. It’s as if these last 365 days looked at 2020, and said: “Hold my beer!” I pray that is not true for everyone; but personally, it has been. Financial struggles, health struggles, difficulties in relationships, professional struggles, and a never ending stream of things that seem to break at the worst possible time (I’m looking at you financial struggles). Certainly, two steps forward, three steps back. 

Despite all of this, we continue to move forward. Where else shall we go? What else shall we do? I would be lying if I said it has been all bad! There have been many wonderful things also! New relationships and great consolations. Still, it has not been easy. Perhaps much of this struggle is directly related to the stuff I shove down in boxes and tuck away to deal with later, because it just seems too difficult and overwhelming right now. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am probably not talking about minimalism or decluttering (at least, not in the usual sense). I also use this analogy, because it is how the Lord spoke to my heart, and revealed some things that I need to work on; no matter how much I don’t want to.  

I have heard for years that I am steady, patient, joyful and a great encourager. Yet, internally (especially recently) I seldom feel that way. Over this past year I have been battling severe depression, and anxiety. That may be very surprising to people that know me fairly well. But, I know that I am not alone in this. I know many reading this may be fighting the same battle as well! Perhaps it is related to a rough childhood, a difficult relationship, a traumatic experience, or simply seems to have come out of nowhere; perhaps it is related to experiences in the workplace, maybe even experiences working in ministry, for a church. Whatever it may be, I know it can be easy to tuck that all away in a box and hide it. Put on the smile, wear the mask, and keep busy. 

Throughout my relationship with Christ, and as I have walked with him through the years one image has been very common: a journey, movement; walking with the Lord and going from here, to there - whatever, whenever and wherever that happens to be. So… Yeah, that is going to lead to some moving, some packing, some purging. I should not be surprised. 

Last year, we held our first Draw Near Retreat. The theme was on hearing God’s voice. It was a wonderful retreat, and we were blessed to see many people we have gotten to know over the years; and really focus on helping others learn to hear and discern the voice of the Lord. We even shared publicly, for the first time, the full scope of the vision for our apostolate. We were overwhelmed by the encouragement and support. It was a great day! From our perspective, a successful first attempt at what will now be an annual event (also one we are willing to bring to other parishes).

Despite the good things of the day, I still found myself feeling restless and uneasy. Some of this was no doubt related to the struggles I mentioned above. Yet, it also felt different. There seemed to be an internal struggle; a tension… the same tension I feel with clutter and disorganization. A similar restlessness that only seemed to be growing more over recent weeks and months. 

That night, I could not sleep. Well… At least not for long. I would fall asleep and have the same recurring dream. In this dream, I was preparing for another move. Packing boxes, moving furniture, all the things I mentioned that I do not like. I didn’t seem to have the same dread I feel with moving in general. But, I was aware, this move was a very big one; an important one. There was the uneasiness that is normal to a new move, but also a joyful anticipation.  

As the dream continued, I realized I had help in all the things I dislike with moving: the sorting, the packing, the moving furniture. It was the Lord! Again, this dream repeated throughout the night, and so did the Lord’s message. For the sake of not making this long blog post even longer, I will paraphrase the conversation with the Lord as we prepared for moving day:

Me: Lord, I have moved so many times. I really don't enjoy it.

The Lord: Don't worry! Help is on the way. We've got a good crew! But, you must leave behind those things which do not belong. What is not fitting for where we are going. You must trust me that I have something better. Rest in all that I have given you!  I have prepared a place for you! It's time to move. Will you come with me?

Me: Yes, Lord! Where else would I go?

The Lord: Then you must leave behind those things which do not belong. What is not fitting for where we are going.

I began to realize the answer to my own question, “How can I leave behind anything that does not belong and is not needed… if I continue to hide the clutter and not deal with the mess? As this dream continued, I kept hearing the phrase: 

“He is good at what He does. He knows how to pack. How to make it fit, and how to make the most of the space. What has to come with us. What must be left behind. What has to be handled with care because it is fragile. And what is of the greatest value.”

I then had the realization that what I needed most, was to let the Lord do the decluttering; to fling open the closet, and allow him to work on all those things that I have hidden and tucked away for so long. As I said at the beginning, I am no stranger to moving. But what has often eluded me?  Moving well. Not just physically in terms of dwelling somewhere, but also internally.  I linger, not knowing where to begin. I throw stuff in the box to deal with later and never do. I never get settled. There is clutter. It does not show on my face. You cannot hear it in my voice. But, this makes it hard to truly feel at “home.”  

What I realized the Lord was saying in all of this: "It's time to move." By “move” here I mean, drawing near to Him and becoming the person He created me to be. He's already prepared the place. He is just waiting for me to let Him handle all the things that I don’t want to deal with. He was saying, "Now let's deal with the clutter. Let's deal with the stuff that you throw in the box to ignore. So you don't have to look at it or think about it. But it's still there… even when you don't see it… I have much better for you. And here, you will find your comfort." 

Recently, I was blessed to speak with a former colleague who is a Catholic counselor. She asked me how things had been going. I told her, in my typical optimistic idealistic way, how things were going, how faith is strong and obstacles are being overcome. THAT IS TRUE, despite what I have said so far! Yet, she heard something else in my voice: “You know Fred, it’s good to hear that you see things this way, but it is also okay to be hurt, to be upset, to feel let down.” Like the best punch in the gut I ever received, I realized she was right. She was saying the same thing the Lord had been speaking to my heart as well. 

With good intentions, wanting to be faithful, being by nature an optimistic idealist, I shove everything down, hide it in a box, tuck it away, and the only thing people see is the face I put on. That is not a lack of genuineness. I don’t know how to be anything but “real.” But it is an overreliance upon myself. It is inviting Jesus into my heart, yet boarding up the rooms I don’t want him to enter. 

What’s the Point? 

All of this is really meant to say one thing. The Lord has better for you. He has a deeper healing, a greater peace. It might mean facing things you have wanted to ignore. It might mean many tears or asking the Lord some really hard questions. It might mean seeking the help of a good doctor or counselor or taking some medicine for a season. It might mean your friends are going to need to let you lay your head on their shoulder for a while; your family will have to be a little patient with you; you may have to say “no” to more things. Through it all, you are not alone! 

The Lord is with you and He is ready to do the work, you only need to invite Him in and surrender to what is needed. What He desires is a home within your heart - a home that is uncluttered, where there are no hiding places; a “nest of love” in the words of St Padre Pio. Let the Lord begin to declutter, purge and pack. He is ready to help you draw closer to Him. No matter what you are going through, no matter what struggles you may be having, the Lord says: “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

With that, I would invite you to pray this prayer. Make it your prayer every day. 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing. I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you will never leave me to face my perils alone. - Prayer of Abandonment (Thomas Merton)