Becoming a Hospitable Parish (Part 2)
"Examination of Conscience" and Honest Self-Reflection
Now that you have read the first part of this discussion, we will continue to lay the foundation for what will be an ongoing series on parish hospitality. The truest hospitality cannot be reduced to a list of best practices; and so, it’s vital that we have a good solid foundation, and know the “why” at the heart of it.
To change the culture of the parish requires much commitment, vision, hard work, and above all, prayer. There are simply no short cuts!
Becoming a truly hospitable parish will take diligence. It is not the job of one person alone. No pastor can do it by himself, though his leadership is critical. Being a hospitable parish requires the participation of the WHOLE parish. But it can begin with just a few. In fact, it most likely will have to.
As you journey through this series with us, if you are interested in going deeper or would like to contact us to provide support or training for your parish hospitality efforts, you can reach us here.
Every parish has visitors, but not every visit is the same. Nor is every visitor. The reality: Many of our parishioners don’t attend Mass regularly and are not really all that involved (whatever that means) in the life of the parish. 75% of the “members” of the parish – maybe even higher – would fall into this category (at least in the United States). Are most of our parish members really… “visitors?” It’s worth considering! It may be an uncomfortable question to face, but it is an important one, and will influence the way hospitality is approached.
Becoming a hospitable parish requires a bit of an at times difficult examination of conscience and honest self-reflection. I have often found myself critical of “re-membering” efforts (I hear this term often used to describe efforts aimed at getting pre-covid attendance levels back in the pews). Why? Because it can be very short sighted. At times, these efforts seem to attempt to short cut the bigger questions… “Why weren’t more coming in the first place?” “Why was it so easy to simply not come back?” The Covid-19 pandemic did not cause a crisis of faith and decline in the life of many local parishes in and of itself. It did, however, accelerate what was already a problem. Many have come through the pandemic feeling lonelier, more isolated and more anxious than ever. If what we said about the local parish in part one of this hospitality series is true (because it is), then the local parish should be a place where answers to these hurts can be found!
The answer is not simply a matter of “hospitality.” It is, of course, not that simple. At the same time, what are people coming back to? Never mind those “coming back.” In general, what is the culture of the local parish? What are those who do not regularly attend liturgies and parish functions finding? What are they experiencing?
When we are among the “regulars” on any given Sunday at our local parish, it can be easy to get used to things as they are; to overlook what may be obstacles for “visitors” (again, including those who do not attend Mass regularly). Is there clutter in the sanctuary? Is there toilet paper in the bathroom? Where is the bathroom? Is there a sign as soon as visitors walk in that reads (true story):
“Parents with small children, please sit in the last two pews of the church.”
Are there greeters? And are they friendly? Do parishioners take notice (and action) when they see a new face they do not recognize? Is there an overall attention to those who need a place to sit? Or do parishioners camp out on the ends of the pews and avoid moving to the center. I like the end of the pew too! But, for a different reason. As a family with six children, I can say that many times we have traveled and found it quite difficult to find a place to sit at Mass due to this. Our family needs space. But with so many camped out on the ends of the pews, it can make something as simple as finding a place to sit before Mass difficult. We usually try to go as early as possible when traveling, for that very reason. But even then, it can be a challenge. If we don’t want to hear those crying babies during Mass… Perhaps we should let mom and dad have the end of the pew. I’ve had to dash out with a crying baby more than once. It’s a lot easier, and less distracting when I do not have to climb over anyone.
I absolutely say all this not to be disparaging; and, not to complain. But really, to help demonstrate what can be common in many places; and how the simplest things can make a big difference.
These are just a few simple questions but the answers matter because of what they communicate! These are areas that are easy to overlook! How we answer these questions communicates:
This is something special. Something sacred. Something beautiful. Something we care very deeply about. Something that we cannot find anywhere else. Or… it communicates the opposite.
In the case of that horrifying sign about small children, it communicated that families with small children are not welcome in this parish; and, with the help of the congregation, it communicated that very loudly. Thankfully, we were “visitors” in the usual sense that day. But we never went back to that parish again; even when it was the most convenient location for us while traveling.
Let me just say that when it comes to parish hospitality, signs are indeed important. We will talk about this more concretely in an upcoming post. However, the right kind of signs are what is needed! Where do I find the bathroom? Where do I park? Which building on this campus do I go to for Mass?
Too often I have seen the ALL CAPS, frowny face, exclamation point signs hanging around the parish.
You know the ones! Maybe you have even made one a time or two! “Do not this…” “Do not that.” In fact, one parish I recall visiting during a retreat seemed to have one of those kinds of signs literally everywhere and on everything. In one small ten-foot section of wall in the parish center, I counted seven such signs! Seven! The funniest one, “If you don’t like how cool it is here, move somewhere else.” This was in response to the air conditioner vent nearby. I say funny… But it’s sad. By its nature, unwelcoming. Is a sign like that even necessary?
Now, back to who “visitors” are. I do think to become a hospitable parish, one necessary step (and there will be many more), is to think like a visitor yourself. This is especially true if you have any role in your parish for this ministry, or if you desire such a change. Again, the things you are used to, you will often overlook. You go to Mass, no one greets you or talks to you. But you are used to that. Someone who is not used to coming on a regular basis, or visiting for the first time, not so much! They may have a fair amount of nervousness about coming! If they have a crying baby, every eye is a stink eye. At least, that is what they are expecting. Even if it is not true. So, give them a smile! If you can’t do that, then don’t turn to look.
Think about times you have visited a parish for the first time, maybe it was while traveling. Maybe it was in searching for a parish home. Whatever the reason, what was that experience like for you?
Once we visited a parish on a road trip. It was not a big parish, but the campus had the church, the rectory, the parish office, a large garage and a school. All of this in a very large parking lot. Nothing was labeled. We walked around for like ten to fifteen minutes trying to figure out where the church was. The church didn’t look like a church, it looked like a garage! We were early for Mass (so we thought), but still barely made it on time after wandering around the parking lot and exploring the buildings.
We travel a lot; both as a family and with my work. Often, we pass through the same places. On one such instance, we desired to also go to Confession. We found a time that would work well, thanks to what looked like an up-to-date website. There, we learned that Mass was at 9AM, and that Confession started at 8AM. We got there at 8:00… and waited for 30 minutes for Confession… Only, someone (who had just walked in) cut in front of me (literally) as I was about to go into the confessional. She gave me another thing to confess, so that was fine. I also tried to think, surely she just committed some terrible sin and was more in need of mercy than I was in that moment…
Still, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone, as I said right at the start. What made this worse? As Mass was starting one man asked our family of 8 to move because we were sitting in his (unreserved) pew. We moved, then were asked to move once again because we were in someone else’s pew. We spent the Mass in the cry room where we could barely hear… Most cry rooms are not what they are supposed to be… Often, they can feel like chaotic storage rooms. It felt like a punishment… We felt like we merely checked the box on our Sunday obligation. I’d like to say this happened only once… Sadly, it all happened again on our next visit. The very same sequence of events. Once again, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone!
If we have any concern for real and genuine hospitality, we do have to be able to put ourselves in the place of the visitor.
View the situation from their perspective. Even things as “ordinary” as how the communion line works can be cause for confusion if not accounted for intentionally. I remember visiting a parish once with some missionaries from Africa. We were at a church with a very unusual design. The pews were arranged in an odd fashion. We sat in the front because they wanted to be closer to Jesus (I love that). When it came time to receive, there was a long delay. Some were going up… But it was not immediately evident how or when we were supposed to go up! We were greeted by an angry shout from behind about how we were “holding up the line.” Again, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone!
Not all of my experiences have been negative though! With all sincerity, my point is not to complain. These are examples given for the sake of encouraging that examination of conscience and honest self-reflection that I talked about earlier! Could these (or similar) things happen in your parish?
That said, I wanted to highlight two examples of positive experiences! Recently, we were traveling in the Wisconsin Dells area. We attended Mass at St Joseph Catholic Church in Baraboo, WI. What a beautiful old church! But what stood out to me the most (beyond the vibrancy that was evident in the celebration of the Mass itself, and yes, there were many, many young families with children), was the hospitality. We were greeted; we were welcomed. Even Fr, who I am sure had a busy day, took time to talk with us. We were invited to the root beer float party that was happening after Mass and the children had a blast playing with other kids on the playground. We had many great conversations over root bear floats. We felt welcomed. If we lived there, no doubt this would be our parish! Bonus, that one of the best board game stores I have ever stepped foot in, is also in Baraboo. This is how it should be! The Mass was packed full! Many young families with children. Yet, we were noticed and intentionally welcomed. Once again, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone!
On another occasion, we stopped in Waterloo, IA to attend Mass. Sadly, I do not remember the name of the church. So, every parish in Waterloo can take a bow I suppose! But, once again, we were welcomed. This was a large parish. I am certain that Fr did not have the time to spend with us. But he, himself, walked us around the campus, sharing from his heart with us, welcoming us, telling us all that he had planned for the parish, and how happy he was to have visitors. But the parishioners were just as welcoming! Once again, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone!
I use these stories as examples also because when I think about hospitality, I also think about where I am in my own relationship with Christ. In the case of negative experiences, what if I had been someone trying to return to faith after a lifetime of bad experiences? What if I was someone just looking for meaning? Curious? What if I was not rooted in Christ and had no real lived faith? These experiences would only drive me away! Those positive experiences though, would draw me in.
That is the precise reason I say any discussion on hospitality must begin with the “Why.” Because, ultimately, hearts and souls are at stake. It’s not merely about physical things; best practices, the ambiance, the thermostat setting, the tidiness, signs... It’s about helping others to find the oasis amid the desert, the sanctuary where they can find rest, the welcoming family home, where we sit before the table of our Lord and partake of the bread of good doctrine, and the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ.
Once again, becoming a hospitable parish takes the work of everyone! But it starts with you reading this! Can you see the bigger picture? Can you see the importance of a smile? Can you see the importance of complimenting the parents of the fussy children, of (in the words of Pope Francis) not looking like we just came from a funeral? If what we believe as Catholics is true (which it is), then we ought to have great joy! It is possible to be reverent and full of joy! That is in fact the greatest hospitality!
I asked you to consider and remember times that you have attended a parish you were unfamiliar with, and what that experience was like. Now consider your own “visitors” (with the broad definition). How would they define their experiences? Are they having a positive experience? Are they inclined to come back? Do they feel welcome? Do they feel like they belong?
As we continue this series, we will come down from 30,000 feet, to 15,000, to 7,500 and we will begin to land this plane. Meaning, we will gradually get more and more into the practical concrete details of hospitality. We are still laying the foundation.
If you would like to spend a little more time with that, “examination of conscience and honest self-reflection” about parish hospitality, I invite to consider the following questions:
Answer each statement according to a 4-point scale.
1 = Strongly Disagree
2 = Disagree
3 = Agree
4 = Strongly Agree
From the time people enter our parking lot, to the time they sit down for Mass to begin, to receiving Communion and leaving for the rest of their day, parishioners and visitors alike are left with a good impression of our parish.
We believe that hospitality begins with our online presence. Therefore, parishioners and visitors alike will find what they are looking for easily. Our website is well designed and updated regularly. This is also true of our social media.
Our greeters make parishioners and visitors alike feel welcome; they take being a minister of hospitality seriously and it shows. Smiles, handshakes, whatever reasonable assistance is needed.
(If we have) Our cry room is easy to find, well-marked, clean, and safe. We ensure it is well kept, that parishioners and visitors can hear and participate, and do not feel like they are in a storage room.
We have a hospitality minister who is easy to find, stationed at a prominent place, to answer questions, give literature, make recommendations, etc.
Our bathrooms are well-marked, clean, and easy to find.
We have appropriate signage around the parish to help direct visitors and parishioners who may be less familiar. Visitors will easily find where to park (and who can park where), the church, the confessional, the restroom etc.
We minimize announcements at the end of Mass to ensure that a good Sunday experience is the priority, and the thing people are left with (welcoming, good liturgy, effective homily, reverent celebration/reception of the Eucharist, etc.).
Our parishioners do not mind parking further away for the sake of visitors and those in greater need of a short walk to the door.
We have dedicated parking spaces for visitors, those with special needs, veterans, and pregnant mothers.
Our parishioners who are able-bodied and don’t have small children willingly sit in the middle of the pew to save room for late comers, families with small children, visitors, and those with greater need.
We have provided intentional formation and training to greeters and hospitality ministers to better equip them to begin conversations with others they may not know and how to make others feel welcome.
It’s not uncommon for our parishioners to embrace and welcome visitors and help them feel right at home.
We have a clear distinction between ushers and greeters/hospitality ministers. They do not serve the same purpose.
Our ushers are welcoming and attentive to the needs of those who are trying to find a space to sit. Even if they are late to Mass.