I remember sitting in my dorm room, mad at God, because he called me to the vocation of marriage and here I was (a sophomore in college) not having met my husband. (I was CLEARLY past the age of hope to find love… *please note the sarcasm*).
Sarcasm aside, I had my fair share of heartache, tears, mistakes, wounds, and loneliness. I remember writing in my journal about my heart and telling God I wanted to give him my heart. Don’t be fooled, though. This was not the kind of “give God your heart” that he actually asks for. You know… to love him, to serve him, to pray to him, to rely on him, to trust in him, the list goes on. Honestly, maybe I thought it was at the time. I thought I was doing something selfless and perhaps romantically heroic by giving God my heart. But, I found that journal entry a while ago. I read it. And I felt sorry for the young college girl who wrote it.
As I read through it, it didn’t seem like a genuine “giving” of one’s heart. It read as if I was throwing my heart at God… almost in a way to say, “Here! You take it! I don’t want it anymore!” Like all the hurt and loneliness left me utterly hopeless that God would ever answer my prayers. So, I decided to throw it away… lock it away “for God” (*insert air quotes*). In this heartbreaking journal entry, I saw the truth of the two years that followed. As I read, I could visibly see the wall that I erected around my heart. For the next two years I refused to date or to let anyone remotely get to know me. I became undeniably independent. The only person who truly knew me was God.
In this entry, I wrote, “My heart is locked away in a box buried underground in an abandoned cave.” I guess this was my version of “giving my heart” to God…??? I remember reading a passage from CS Lewis that changed everything, though. It shocked my heart back to life… or I should say God did. The passage said:
To love at all is to be vulnerable… Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully… wrap it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable… To love is to be vulnerable. (CS. Lewis, The Four Loves)
I believe this excerpt was placed in front of me by God. I had done exactly this. I wanted to keep my heart safe so I locked it away. I loved the image of a coffin… because that’s what it was. I was allowing my heart to grow impenetrable, which, according to CS Lewis, meant irredeemable.
To live as a disciple (which means follower) of Christ, we must allow our hearts to be vulnerable, open, and loving. I see this in the example of St. Thomas–known as doubting Thomas. John’s Gospel says, “Now Thomas, one of the twelve… was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and place my finger in the mark of the nails, and place my hand in his side, I will not believe.” Eight days later… The doors were shut, but Jesus came and stood among them… Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side; do not be faithless, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”” (John 20: 24-28).
There is evidence in the surrounding context of this passage that the other disciples had some doubt, as well; however, Thomas was the only one vulnerable and honest enough to admit his struggle to believe. Through his vulnerability, Jesus gave him exactly what he needed–he allowed him to see and to touch his wounds! Thomas’ faith in Christ grew in resolve that day!
We can take a lesson from Thomas, which is, if we are able to be vulnerable with Christ in all things–only then can he speak into our struggles and bring us to an even deeper relationship with him! “What makes a saint is not someone who just “tries” really hard; it’s someone who has gone to the divine physician and shown him all of their wounds and has allowed Jesus to enter into every crevice of their being.”1 The same can be said of our relationships with one another!
Discipleship, which in this context is the work of leading others to become disciples of God, can never be accomplished through inauthenticity or a lack of love! Remember, “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” We do not need to have the “right” answer, or the best argument. We do not need to show another person we know everything. In every effort to evangelize or disciple another, we first must LOVE! By looking at Thomas, we see that when we are able to be authentic, relationships deepen; faith in that relationship grows. This is not always easy–”Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” However, this is essential to truly disciple another person. There must be trust, faith, and most importantly love.
St. Thomas the Apostle, help us to be vulnerable and authentic. Help us to love one another as Christ loves us.
(originally posted on Draw Near blog)
Andrew Swafford, Spiritual Survival in the Modern World, p. 57